Socratic Pine Tree

There is Healing in Understanding

The Narcissistic Relationship Checklist

When you are engaged in a relationship - any kind of realtionship - you get to deal with other people. There is a roughly 1% chance that you have to deal with a pure narcissistic personality. But there is a much bigger chance that you get to deal with someone that will display unhealthy narcissistic behavior. 

To check if the person you are dealing with could be a Narcissist there is a list of question on the right here.  Some questions may not be applicable to the relation you are in with this person, that's quite okay. 
The idea about this list is the following: If you answer one question from the list with "yes"  the person could be narcissistic. The more often you answer a question with "Yes"  the more likely it is that the person you are dealing with is a Narcissists. 

Please be careful. This list is not a tool for diagnoses. You may never draw the conclusion that someone has an illness or a disorder unless you are licenced to do so and have gone though the proper diagnostic processes. This list is no such thing. 

Narcissistic Relationship Checklist

  1. When something goes wrong, does this person blame everyone but themself?
  2. Does this person refuse to be accountable for their bad behavior? (For example, “You mademe so mad that I couldn’t help . . .”)
  3. Does this person believe they are always right?
  4. Does this person seem to be out of touch with their own feelings or seem to deny them?
  5. Does this person carry grudges against you and others?
  6. Is everything always about this person and their money, time, possessions, wishes, demands?
  7. Does this person seem unwilling to listen to you and to hear your concerns?
  8. Is this person constantly telling you what to do (and it's not their job)?
  9. Does this person make you feel “not good enough”? (also see 10)
  10. And when this person is your partner, has their constant degradation caused you crate an "internal voice" of this idea?
  11. Does this person never ask about you, how your day is, how you feel, even if just superficially?
  12. Does this person go on and on about how great they are and how pathetic you and/or other people are?
  13. Does this person lie?
  14. Does this person manipulate?
  15. Does this person tell different versions of the same story to different people, but always makes sure he looks good in them?
  16. Does this person distrust everyone?
  17. Have others in your life said that something is different or strange about this person?
  18. Does this person take advantage of other people?
  19. Is this person all about power and control, pursuing power at all costs?
  20. Is this person all about image and how things look to others?
  21. Does this person seem to have no value system, no fixed idea of right and wrong for his or her behavior?
  22. When you describe your feelings, does this person try to top your feelings with their own stories?
  23. Does this person lack empathy?
  24. Does this person only support things that look well on him or her?
  25. Is this person overly conscious of what others think?
  26. Do you feel used by this person?
  27. Do you feel that this person does not accept you?
  28. Is this person critical and judgmental of you and others?
  29. Do you feel that this person does not know and value the real you and does not want to know the real you?
  30. Does this person act as if the world should revolve around him or her?
  31. Does this person appear fake to you?
  32. Does this person swing from grandiosity to a depressed mood? 
  33. Does this person try to compete with you / others? 
  34. Does this person have to have things their way?

When you are together (and may have children)

  1. Is your partner unable to tune in to your feelings or your children’s feelings?
  2. Does your partner seem more concerned about how your behavior or your children’s behavior reflects on him or her than on understanding and accepting who you and the kids are as people?
  3. When your partner talks about his or her kids, is it about what the kids do rather than who they are?
  4. Are the children uncomfortable with your partner, love your partner, but at the same time are reluctant to spend time with him or her?
  5. Have you come to realize that the kids protect themselves by not sharing their feelings with your partner?
  6. Are the kids always trying to gain your partner’s love and approval?
  7. Has your partner spent minimal time with the children?
  8. Does your partner typically skip the children’s events if he or she does not have an interest in that particular activity or does not value it?
  9. Does your partner push the children to be involved in activities that your partner likes or values and discourage or forbid them from pursuing activities that your partner does not value?
  10. When you try to discuss your life issues with your partner, does your partner change the subject so that you end up talking about your partner’s issues?
  11. Does your partner act jealous of you?
  12. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your partner?
  13. Have you consistently questioned if your partner loves you?
  14. Does your partner do nice things for you only when others are around to notice this?
  15. When something difficult happens in your life (for instance, an accident, illness, a divorce in your family or circle of friends), does your partner react with immediate concern about how it will affect him or her rather than with concern for you?
  16. Do you feel responsible for your partner’s ailments or sicknesses?

When you are seperated

  1. After the divorce, does your ex-partner still want to exploit you?
  2. Has your ex-partner never calmed down?
  3. Does you ex-partner still try to contact you even though you have (repeatedly) indicated that you do not want this